Random Quotes from the PDA [7]...
A Five Minute Play
[A man and a woman stroll to a corner of a crowded party...]
Andrew - This is certainly going to be refreshing. After two minutes we've already been abandoned by the host and her husband and now it seems we've found our way to the most remote corner of this mini-cooper they call a condo. I'm already looking forward to our early departure.
Diane - Oh stop with the pessimism. If participating in society were your discretion we'd live quite lives of solitude congratulating each other for not succumbing to such frivolity. But luckily your time is at my disposal for the moment, and I demand that you relax and enjoy yourself.
Andrew - You are quite right my dear, I do regard pandering to the counterfeit friendships of these old associates from our past, who all should've remained a memory alone, as an incessant waste of time and not worthy of the precious time we have together.
Diane - Just like you to be sentimental and melodramatic. Save those reactions for future alcohol driven conversations about religion and politics.
Andrew - Certainly its the one interfering with the other that spawns the problems in each.
Diane - Just as you spawn the problems here.
Andrew - I am simply reacting accordingly to the environment to which I'm exposed.
Diane - And vice versa.
Andrew - What is that supposed to imply? That I'm the anchor holding the world back?
Diane - Again with the melodrama. Please, just try to make the best of this without complaint. There is no need to worry all will be just fine.
Andrew - Indeed.
[They stand in silence for sometime, then noticing a man passed out on the couch.]
Andrew - My, that man is certainly making a spectacle of himself. One should at least possess the self-respect to practice some restraint in the presence of company.
Diane - Oh leave him alone, he's isn't bothering a soul, just let him lie.
Andrew - Absolutely... You meant like a dog, no?
Diane - As though your evenings never results with you intoxicated, face down on a couch, drooling over pillows and cushions.
Andrew - At least I was able to control myself until the end of a party.
Diane - Yes, and every guest at those parties enjoyed themselves more when you finally lost consciousness. And besides we arrived late because of you not wanting to come, so this is already near the end.
Andrew - So I suppose we'll be leaving soon... Oh look, he's rolling over...Isn't... Isn't that your ex-boyfriend, Curtis?
Diane - Its been years since last seeing him, I'm sure I can't recall his features.
Andrew - No, no, I'm certain that's him.
Diane - So what if that is him? Do you expect me to feel embarrassed as though I'm responsible for every person in my past, no matter how distant a relation.
Andrew - It seems I've struck a nerve, maybe I should be concerned. Do you still love him?
Diane - Yes Andrew, I love him. I've only been with you for that past two years simply to make Curtis jealous. God I hope he notices me tonight. How's my makeup?
Andrew - Do you have any sense of decency?
Diane - Oh darling you know that you're the only man in the world to me...
Andrew - Wait, those younger kids have caught notice of him. This should be entertaining.
Diane - Kids, how old are they, twenty? What makes them kids? Are their trousers too loose for your taste?
Andrew - One boy has a marker; I think he's planning to draw on Curtis.
Diane - That is simply childish. Are you going to just let this happen.
Andrew - I believe that its my duty to allow him to awake to a lesson, so no.
Diane - That's plain cowardice.
Andrew - Certainly, its what he would've wanted. Wasn't he driven to bankruptcy because he wouldn't confront a roommate that stole his credit card.
Diane - It wasn't stolen it was borrowed.
Andrew - Even better.
Diane - That is still no reason to allow this heinous act to trans... Oh... Oh my...
Andrew - What? Have they begun their facial masterpiece?
Diane - Is that... I think it is... That has to be...
Andrew - my word woman, are you even capable of finishing a sentence?
Diane - Do you remember Anne?
Andrew - Certainly, old roommate, large breasts, preferred her tequila without salt; what of her?
[Awkward silence, staring at Andrew for a moment, he stares back]
Diane - If you must know, she's beside the couch conversing with those boys. No doubt convincing them to rob his wallet.
Andrew - Come now, she's a virtuous woman that embraces firm principles with a rock hard foundation, a regular pillar of society.
Diane - For once could you take your mind off your pillar.
Andrew - Whatever do you mean.
[Diane stares intensely at Andrew, he innocently looks back then towards Anne who walks over as the boys disperse from Curtis. Andrew smiles brightly.]
Anne - Andrew, Diane, how wonderful it is to see you. It's been far too long. You must fill me in on what you two have been up to.
Andrew - Well, you see, after graduation...
Diane - Andrew, dear, would you please go to the bar and get me another drink.
Andrew - You have one in your hand, more than half full.
Diane - It's flat.
Andrew - It's a martini.
Diane - Then it's too dry. Please, be a dear and go fetch me another.
Anne - Go on Andrew, Diane and I have years of girl talk to make up for.
Andrew - In that case ladies, I will return shortly. [Kissing Diane on the cheek as she glares away from him] Darling. [Squeezing Anne's hand and slightly bowing to it] Anne.
[Andrew exits stage right]
Anne - He's a gentleman, however have you managed to keep hold of him so long. It must be your figure. You look great.
Diane - You're looking rather emaciated. Don't tell me you've developed an addiction to methamphetamines.
Anne - Oh, Diane, you haven't lost your wit.
Diane - Nor you your pretentious flattery.
Anne - You haven't changed a bit since college.
Diane - At least one of us is beating the forces of time.
Anne - Speaking of college, guess who's laying inebriated across the room on the couch?
Diane - Is it your better half?
Anne - Better yet, your college sweetheart. It's Curtis, and I just rescued him from three rowdy college kids ready to write all over his face.
Diane - Did you convince them to steal his wallet instead?
Anne - Goodness no, I told them he was a narcoleptic. One boy said that he didn't know his arms were fake. Another asked if he was in the war. The last said 'At ease soldier' and saluted, then they all walked off.
Diane - Just like you to lie so readily.
Anne - Are you harboring some kind of resentment from the past?
Diane - Not at all. I'm simply pointing out that when you're around Curtis, lying comes naturally.
Anne - For the last time, I was not responsible for your split up with Curtis. I thought you would've gotten over this by now.
Diane - The only thing I'm over is you stealing what's mine.
Anne - I never wanted Curtis.
Diane - That's why you were always so nice to him. Sharing tequila shots with him at frat parties. And now, you saved him from being written on even though he's drunk and deserves it.
Anne - Is that what you think, I did it because I still like him? Here I'll show you how much I like him. [Anne walks over, takes out a marker and writes all over Curtis' face. She looks back at Diane and smiles then exits stage left as Diane walks to Curtis' side.]
Diane - [Yelling angrily in the direction of Anne as Andrew enters and Curtis stirs] You vile tramp. You are rotten to the core!
Andrew - [To Diane] Where's Anne, I brought her a Tom Collins? [He puts the drinks on the end table]
Diane - [Glaring at Andrew, fishing out a compact from her purse. She shows Curtis his face] Curtis, look at what was done to you.
Curtis - [Shocked and angry] Who dunnit?
Diane - Anne drew... All over your face.
Curtis - [Getting up swaying] Andrew?
Andrew - [Smiling] Yes?
[Curtis punches Andrew then continues to wrestle with him on the ground. Diane pulls Curtis from Andrew's limp body.]
Diane - [Holding Curtis' swaying body] Please Curtis, it was Anne.
Curtis - Anne?
Diane - Yes Anne?
Curtis - [Andrew rouses himself from the floor and sees Diane holding Curtis] Die Anne! Argh! Die Anne.
Andrew - She's mine! [He slugs Curtis who falls back onto the couch]
Diane - You brute, he's the victim.
Andrew - Well, now I know who has your heart. [He exits stage left]
Curtis - [Coming to consciousness] Die Anne, die Anne.
Diane - [Going to Curtis' side] I'm here, I'm right here.
Curtis - Get away from me you vile tramp, you're rotten to the core. [He pushes her away from him, gets up and wobbles out stage right]
[Andrew and Anne come walking in from stage left, arm in arm as Diane is sobbing beside the couch].
Anne - Oh, poor Diane, why don't you join us for a couple of tequila shots.
Andrew - Honestly dear, you're making a spectacle of yourself. [He and Anne exit stage right]
[The lights dim with only a spotlight on Diane, kneeling on the floor beside the couch]
Diane - Oh God, could nothing be done?
[The stage is filled with a red light. Andrew and Anne walk backwards across the stage from stage right. Curtis walks backwards to the couch. Andrew walks backwards from stage left to couch and reverse slugs Curtis then falls to the floor. Curtis picks up Diane then reverse fights with Andrew then lays on the couch. Andrew then picks up two drinks from end table and walks backwards to stage left as Diane walks backwards across from the couch. Anne walks backwards from stage right to couch and reverse scribbles on Curtis, then walks backwards to Diane. Andrew walks backwards from stage left to Diane and Anne. Three kids walk backwards from stage left to couch to meet with Anne walking backwards to couch. Anne exits backwards to stage left as do the kids thereafter. Curtis rolls over. The lights go back to normal].
Diane - ...You finally lost consciousness. And besides we arrived late because of you not wanting to come, so this is already near the end.
Andrew - So I suppose we'll be leaving-
Diane - [Looking curiously at Andrew, cutting him off] Yes! Right away in fact.
Andrew - [Grabbing a hold of Diane's arm and starting to walk to stage right] That's a fortunate change of heart, I promise you won't regret it.
Diane - [Stopping beside the couch] Hold on dear. [She shakes Curtis] Time to get up and go home, fella.[They start walking out again, Curtis sits himself up]
Andrew - [Looking back at Curtis] Hey, wasn't that your old-
Diane - [Cutting him off] I'm sure I don't know but he'll get a throbbing hang over tomorrow.
Andrew - Indeed.
[They exit stage right to the lights going dim]
[A man and a woman stroll to a corner of a crowded party...]
Andrew - This is certainly going to be refreshing. After two minutes we've already been abandoned by the host and her husband and now it seems we've found our way to the most remote corner of this mini-cooper they call a condo. I'm already looking forward to our early departure.
Diane - Oh stop with the pessimism. If participating in society were your discretion we'd live quite lives of solitude congratulating each other for not succumbing to such frivolity. But luckily your time is at my disposal for the moment, and I demand that you relax and enjoy yourself.
Andrew - You are quite right my dear, I do regard pandering to the counterfeit friendships of these old associates from our past, who all should've remained a memory alone, as an incessant waste of time and not worthy of the precious time we have together.
Diane - Just like you to be sentimental and melodramatic. Save those reactions for future alcohol driven conversations about religion and politics.
Andrew - Certainly its the one interfering with the other that spawns the problems in each.
Diane - Just as you spawn the problems here.
Andrew - I am simply reacting accordingly to the environment to which I'm exposed.
Diane - And vice versa.
Andrew - What is that supposed to imply? That I'm the anchor holding the world back?
Diane - Again with the melodrama. Please, just try to make the best of this without complaint. There is no need to worry all will be just fine.
Andrew - Indeed.
[They stand in silence for sometime, then noticing a man passed out on the couch.]
Andrew - My, that man is certainly making a spectacle of himself. One should at least possess the self-respect to practice some restraint in the presence of company.
Diane - Oh leave him alone, he's isn't bothering a soul, just let him lie.
Andrew - Absolutely... You meant like a dog, no?
Diane - As though your evenings never results with you intoxicated, face down on a couch, drooling over pillows and cushions.
Andrew - At least I was able to control myself until the end of a party.
Diane - Yes, and every guest at those parties enjoyed themselves more when you finally lost consciousness. And besides we arrived late because of you not wanting to come, so this is already near the end.
Andrew - So I suppose we'll be leaving soon... Oh look, he's rolling over...Isn't... Isn't that your ex-boyfriend, Curtis?
Diane - Its been years since last seeing him, I'm sure I can't recall his features.
Andrew - No, no, I'm certain that's him.
Diane - So what if that is him? Do you expect me to feel embarrassed as though I'm responsible for every person in my past, no matter how distant a relation.
Andrew - It seems I've struck a nerve, maybe I should be concerned. Do you still love him?
Diane - Yes Andrew, I love him. I've only been with you for that past two years simply to make Curtis jealous. God I hope he notices me tonight. How's my makeup?
Andrew - Do you have any sense of decency?
Diane - Oh darling you know that you're the only man in the world to me...
Andrew - Wait, those younger kids have caught notice of him. This should be entertaining.
Diane - Kids, how old are they, twenty? What makes them kids? Are their trousers too loose for your taste?
Andrew - One boy has a marker; I think he's planning to draw on Curtis.
Diane - That is simply childish. Are you going to just let this happen.
Andrew - I believe that its my duty to allow him to awake to a lesson, so no.
Diane - That's plain cowardice.
Andrew - Certainly, its what he would've wanted. Wasn't he driven to bankruptcy because he wouldn't confront a roommate that stole his credit card.
Diane - It wasn't stolen it was borrowed.
Andrew - Even better.
Diane - That is still no reason to allow this heinous act to trans... Oh... Oh my...
Andrew - What? Have they begun their facial masterpiece?
Diane - Is that... I think it is... That has to be...
Andrew - my word woman, are you even capable of finishing a sentence?
Diane - Do you remember Anne?
Andrew - Certainly, old roommate, large breasts, preferred her tequila without salt; what of her?
[Awkward silence, staring at Andrew for a moment, he stares back]
Diane - If you must know, she's beside the couch conversing with those boys. No doubt convincing them to rob his wallet.
Andrew - Come now, she's a virtuous woman that embraces firm principles with a rock hard foundation, a regular pillar of society.
Diane - For once could you take your mind off your pillar.
Andrew - Whatever do you mean.
[Diane stares intensely at Andrew, he innocently looks back then towards Anne who walks over as the boys disperse from Curtis. Andrew smiles brightly.]
Anne - Andrew, Diane, how wonderful it is to see you. It's been far too long. You must fill me in on what you two have been up to.
Andrew - Well, you see, after graduation...
Diane - Andrew, dear, would you please go to the bar and get me another drink.
Andrew - You have one in your hand, more than half full.
Diane - It's flat.
Andrew - It's a martini.
Diane - Then it's too dry. Please, be a dear and go fetch me another.
Anne - Go on Andrew, Diane and I have years of girl talk to make up for.
Andrew - In that case ladies, I will return shortly. [Kissing Diane on the cheek as she glares away from him] Darling. [Squeezing Anne's hand and slightly bowing to it] Anne.
[Andrew exits stage right]
Anne - He's a gentleman, however have you managed to keep hold of him so long. It must be your figure. You look great.
Diane - You're looking rather emaciated. Don't tell me you've developed an addiction to methamphetamines.
Anne - Oh, Diane, you haven't lost your wit.
Diane - Nor you your pretentious flattery.
Anne - You haven't changed a bit since college.
Diane - At least one of us is beating the forces of time.
Anne - Speaking of college, guess who's laying inebriated across the room on the couch?
Diane - Is it your better half?
Anne - Better yet, your college sweetheart. It's Curtis, and I just rescued him from three rowdy college kids ready to write all over his face.
Diane - Did you convince them to steal his wallet instead?
Anne - Goodness no, I told them he was a narcoleptic. One boy said that he didn't know his arms were fake. Another asked if he was in the war. The last said 'At ease soldier' and saluted, then they all walked off.
Diane - Just like you to lie so readily.
Anne - Are you harboring some kind of resentment from the past?
Diane - Not at all. I'm simply pointing out that when you're around Curtis, lying comes naturally.
Anne - For the last time, I was not responsible for your split up with Curtis. I thought you would've gotten over this by now.
Diane - The only thing I'm over is you stealing what's mine.
Anne - I never wanted Curtis.
Diane - That's why you were always so nice to him. Sharing tequila shots with him at frat parties. And now, you saved him from being written on even though he's drunk and deserves it.
Anne - Is that what you think, I did it because I still like him? Here I'll show you how much I like him. [Anne walks over, takes out a marker and writes all over Curtis' face. She looks back at Diane and smiles then exits stage left as Diane walks to Curtis' side.]
Diane - [Yelling angrily in the direction of Anne as Andrew enters and Curtis stirs] You vile tramp. You are rotten to the core!
Andrew - [To Diane] Where's Anne, I brought her a Tom Collins? [He puts the drinks on the end table]
Diane - [Glaring at Andrew, fishing out a compact from her purse. She shows Curtis his face] Curtis, look at what was done to you.
Curtis - [Shocked and angry] Who dunnit?
Diane - Anne drew... All over your face.
Curtis - [Getting up swaying] Andrew?
Andrew - [Smiling] Yes?
[Curtis punches Andrew then continues to wrestle with him on the ground. Diane pulls Curtis from Andrew's limp body.]
Diane - [Holding Curtis' swaying body] Please Curtis, it was Anne.
Curtis - Anne?
Diane - Yes Anne?
Curtis - [Andrew rouses himself from the floor and sees Diane holding Curtis] Die Anne! Argh! Die Anne.
Andrew - She's mine! [He slugs Curtis who falls back onto the couch]
Diane - You brute, he's the victim.
Andrew - Well, now I know who has your heart. [He exits stage left]
Curtis - [Coming to consciousness] Die Anne, die Anne.
Diane - [Going to Curtis' side] I'm here, I'm right here.
Curtis - Get away from me you vile tramp, you're rotten to the core. [He pushes her away from him, gets up and wobbles out stage right]
[Andrew and Anne come walking in from stage left, arm in arm as Diane is sobbing beside the couch].
Anne - Oh, poor Diane, why don't you join us for a couple of tequila shots.
Andrew - Honestly dear, you're making a spectacle of yourself. [He and Anne exit stage right]
[The lights dim with only a spotlight on Diane, kneeling on the floor beside the couch]
Diane - Oh God, could nothing be done?
[The stage is filled with a red light. Andrew and Anne walk backwards across the stage from stage right. Curtis walks backwards to the couch. Andrew walks backwards from stage left to couch and reverse slugs Curtis then falls to the floor. Curtis picks up Diane then reverse fights with Andrew then lays on the couch. Andrew then picks up two drinks from end table and walks backwards to stage left as Diane walks backwards across from the couch. Anne walks backwards from stage right to couch and reverse scribbles on Curtis, then walks backwards to Diane. Andrew walks backwards from stage left to Diane and Anne. Three kids walk backwards from stage left to couch to meet with Anne walking backwards to couch. Anne exits backwards to stage left as do the kids thereafter. Curtis rolls over. The lights go back to normal].
Diane - ...You finally lost consciousness. And besides we arrived late because of you not wanting to come, so this is already near the end.
Andrew - So I suppose we'll be leaving-
Diane - [Looking curiously at Andrew, cutting him off] Yes! Right away in fact.
Andrew - [Grabbing a hold of Diane's arm and starting to walk to stage right] That's a fortunate change of heart, I promise you won't regret it.
Diane - [Stopping beside the couch] Hold on dear. [She shakes Curtis] Time to get up and go home, fella.[They start walking out again, Curtis sits himself up]
Andrew - [Looking back at Curtis] Hey, wasn't that your old-
Diane - [Cutting him off] I'm sure I don't know but he'll get a throbbing hang over tomorrow.
Andrew - Indeed.
[They exit stage right to the lights going dim]
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