Creamy Impetus Spread...

The major issue in my life is that I spread myself too thin. I try to accomplish so many tasks simultaneously, that a great deal of them fall to the wayside.

Recently my fiancee has been involved in her graduate school practicum (clinical internship). During this time, I've been responsible to drive her to and from the clinic. This extra traveling adds another hour or more every day to my commute, and there is always very heavy traffic in her direction.

I find myself experiencing road rage and that ends up taking such a toll on me that I am not motivated to work on any of my various projects. Vegetating in front of the television has become my default pastime.

Car pooling isn't the only cause of this slump in productivity. I have been absorbed with making money since I will be buying a house soon and having a wedding within a year. Whenever an opportunity arises to make some extra cash, I can't refuse. Even if I am dead tired after working 8 hours and driving through hell to retrieve my girl, I still muster the strength to go to the side jobs I may have.

I don't care too much for the extra work that comes my way. I've designed small database management system, installed phone systems, wired offices, installed networks, created web pages, etc... The only pleasure I get from all that work comes from the money I receive. There is no passion involved, although I still provide an attention to detail and quality when working.

I can't imagine how I would rate my life if I had a career based around something I loved. I've tried not to think about that too much. It tends to point me towards depression. Rather, I just put on my best automaton impression and continue with the grind.

Last night I had a dream that brought this need to do what I love to forefront of my mind. I dreamt that I was at a ceremony, at my old high school auditorium, honoring the artistic people in my life. During the ceremony my old roommate, who was very talented musically, left the auditorium before the awards were given. I followed him outside to see what was wrong. He was having a cigarette on the "smoker stairs". With much derision he said that nobody there deserved an art award since they all gave it up. He was right about that; every person I've known besides my fiancee has abandoned their artistic endeavors in exchange for career, family, friends or drugs. He said that if you don't love what you do you're abusing yourself and if you give up what you love you have no self respect. He then said, "never leave your art behind."

I awoke right after chanting that last statement. It was just after five AM and I wasn't able to go back to sleep for over an hour. During that hour I laid in bed thinking about why I basically left my art behind.

I figured that time is no longer a commodity in surplus. I no longer have the abundance of time to dedicate to my own goals. I have to "help" people with their goals too often. I slight myself and can't figure out how to stop it without hurting people I care for. Indeed, I've already lost people with whom I had enjoyed company because I hadn't the time to spend with them. And I miss them and probably won't be able to regain their friendships.

Sure I enjoy being needed by those few people that have taken priority in my life. There is a sense of fulfillment when you perform selfless deeds. But the predominance of these deeds is causing me to lose sight of myself. I liked who I was when I did my own thing. I don't want to abandon that person, like I have done to so many people in my past. I want to embrace this person I've cultivated for so many years.

With the growing prospect of a marriage, house, and eventually children to add to my already goal ridden life, I know that more dreams will need to be dropped. A reconsideration of my priorities must occur or else the pattern of abandoning my cherished aspirations from my individualistically driven past will continue.

I don't want that to continue. I don't want to say good-bye to myself. I refuse to say good-bye.