Put Me On Your Do Not Market List!
Working for a marketing firm, I've become intimately acquainted with the operations of an outbound call center. Since January of 2005 the call center has experienced a remarkable slow down and was forced to skim off that layer of fat comprised of inefficient telemarketers (ie. the young, the old, the idiotic, the disabled, etc...). This downsizing was the direct result of the Federal Trade Commission demanding all call centers filter their calls from the Do-Not-Call list. This added process to our already squeezed system, due to competitive measures brought on by oversea call centers, created a need for higher productivity amongst agents and no hope of a pay raise for staff.
The FTC Do-Not-Call list is available from them for the small cost of $15,400 (roughly the annual salary of a single telemarketer). Initially it was assumed that the single mother without a high school education would lose her job and go on welfare and the call center would go about business as usual. Unfortunately the impact of the list was more detrimental.
The FTC rules require the call center to filter their existing names every 31 days. With the total Do-Not-Call list numbering more than 50 million the downloading of updates and subsequent filtering of our records taxes our IT staff and technology. This created the need for another IT staff member and an upgrade to our database server.
BAM BAM BAM!!!
Three more pathetic lives ruined by government induced downsizing. The alcoholic trying to get back on his feet, the Vietnam veteran that suffers from seizures periodically, the wife of an abusive husband that doesn't come to work when the bruises can't be covered with clothes and makeup... Sorry Charlie... Now you don't have to worry about people seeing you black and blue. The bottle is still there to welcome you back. And to the former soldier, your veteran benefits will take good care of you (when you die).
Wait we also lost 50 million telephone numbers available for us to call. That represented about one sixth of the calling pool. With a diminished supply, demand rises as do prices so the our cost of attaining leads rose. This effectively reduced our productivity by one sixth demand the same percentage of mediocre telemarketers being terminated.
KAAAABOOOOOM!
Every elderly worker that takes too many bathroom breaks to be productive, every student that tries to do homework on the clock, every welfare case that misses the first Monday of the month to stand in line to get their food stamps, every disabled person that takes too long of breaks and has to get off work early because the twinkie bus doesn't run past eight o'clock, all of them gone. Go find a job on the southside of Chicago... Whoops, my bad, there are none there. Ha ha!
Ah, ah, ah... That's not the end of it. Now every single call center that abides by the FTC rules is calling the same reduced amount of telephone numbers. This means that those that aren't on the Do-Not-Call list are being bombarded by pesky telemarketers to buy vinyl siding, purchase National Geographic and attend a timeshare presentation. These people are becoming perpetually perturbed and are less inclined to listen to telemarketers. So sales are harder to come by and guess what?
CHK CHIK... BLAM! CHK CHIK... BLAM!
Those that speak with an accent that the majority (white people) find offensive are all naturally less productive than those who don't. The telemarketers that are unable to properly speak English--due to a lack of education or a speech impediment- can't seem to perform as those that can speak correctly. So, if they sound too black, too Hispanic, too Asian, too eastern European, too [fill in the blank] then they're fired. Oh you have a cleft palate... Go work for the March of Dimes (they aren't limited by the FTC). Oh you never made it beyond fourth grade, well go AXE SUMINILZ FO E JAB.
Now, when I walk through the call center, a much needed IT staff member privileged to free coffee and bagels, I see the frightened look of over caffeinated telemarketers, scared shitless that they'll be the next poor soul on the chopping block. And as the call center become more proportionately white and educated I wonder what other pro-Aryan measures this government will take to further the Nazi agenda.
In 1968 the US Postal Service enacted an opt-out process for receivers of junk mail. This was mainly for preventing the dissemination of pornographic material to those that found it offensive. In 1970 the Supreme court expanded this regulation to apply to all direct mailers. But this means that I will be forced to fill out a form for every junk mail pusher that wastes money on sending me letters stating that I've won a new car or a trip to Cancun. My hand would surely suffer a cramp and that is downright unconstitutional. I demand a Do-Not-Mail list to be created and if I ever see the dentured smile of Ed McMahon I will go ballistic. They can send me the smut, but I don't want to asked by Sally Struthers one more time to help some pathetic child live a healthy life somewhere across the planet for 30¢ a day.
When I drive to work I take the interstate highway, a road created solely by the tax payer's dollar. This medium is as much mine as the telephone line coming into my house, and likewise should be devoid of needless solicitation. I make the motion that all roadsign be omitted from view. There is no reason why the charming face of Jessica Simpson should disrupt the road rage of my morning commute. And why should I be forced to delight in the thin and gorgeous bodies of Victoria Secret models while I'm busy flipping the bird to some disgusting (and likely drunk) truck driver. By removing the road signs we make plenty of carbon monoxide plagued land available for children to play upon anddevelope asthma, allergies and a host of other sinus problems to feed our ever growing health care beast.
I've considered buying TiVo to eliminate those pesky commercials that I am forced to avoid by pressing buttons on my remote. Why should my thumb do the work that the FTC could be doing. Yes, commercials are solicitations and intrude upon the privacy entitled to every couch potato from Bangor Maine to Sacramento California. Instead of forcing vegetables to use their limbs, the FTC should slap a $11,000 fine on that scary red and yellow clown every time he urges me to eat hamburgers, or every time a celebrity tells me to buy something while giving me that come hither look. I want none of it!
I also protest the shameless advertisement of products and services so prevalentt in the mainstream art world. I'm sick of Thomas Kinkade promoting the electric companies by "painting with light." Enough already, we all know you're a spokesman for General Electric. And Andy Worhol's children should be slapped with the same $11,000 fine for every person that has ever stared at his Campbell's Soup Can painting and looked in their pockets for a can opener.
America deserves a Do-Not-Market list that encompasses every media channel available in the pseudo-free market. We need to limit those liberal marketers from invading our peace of mind no matter how small it may be. We pure Americans don't deserve to have our eyes punished with beautiful images nor our ears with pleasant hello's. And when the marketing world is brought to its knees and my children's minds aren't polluted with ideas of "buying things" then I'll have more money to buy things like timeshares, vinyl siding and national geographic. I could donate money to the March of Dimes, buy my wife some Victoria secret lingerie, take that trip to Cancun, pick up some campbell's soup and light bulbs, eat some McDonald's, buy a Jessica Simpson album and some pornography. Without a doubt, I'd be a regular consumer if it weren't for all that damn marketing... Unfortunately, without it I wouldn't know what to buy and where to buy it.
The FTC Do-Not-Call list is available from them for the small cost of $15,400 (roughly the annual salary of a single telemarketer). Initially it was assumed that the single mother without a high school education would lose her job and go on welfare and the call center would go about business as usual. Unfortunately the impact of the list was more detrimental.
The FTC rules require the call center to filter their existing names every 31 days. With the total Do-Not-Call list numbering more than 50 million the downloading of updates and subsequent filtering of our records taxes our IT staff and technology. This created the need for another IT staff member and an upgrade to our database server.
BAM BAM BAM!!!
Three more pathetic lives ruined by government induced downsizing. The alcoholic trying to get back on his feet, the Vietnam veteran that suffers from seizures periodically, the wife of an abusive husband that doesn't come to work when the bruises can't be covered with clothes and makeup... Sorry Charlie... Now you don't have to worry about people seeing you black and blue. The bottle is still there to welcome you back. And to the former soldier, your veteran benefits will take good care of you (when you die).
Wait we also lost 50 million telephone numbers available for us to call. That represented about one sixth of the calling pool. With a diminished supply, demand rises as do prices so the our cost of attaining leads rose. This effectively reduced our productivity by one sixth demand the same percentage of mediocre telemarketers being terminated.
KAAAABOOOOOM!
Every elderly worker that takes too many bathroom breaks to be productive, every student that tries to do homework on the clock, every welfare case that misses the first Monday of the month to stand in line to get their food stamps, every disabled person that takes too long of breaks and has to get off work early because the twinkie bus doesn't run past eight o'clock, all of them gone. Go find a job on the southside of Chicago... Whoops, my bad, there are none there. Ha ha!
Ah, ah, ah... That's not the end of it. Now every single call center that abides by the FTC rules is calling the same reduced amount of telephone numbers. This means that those that aren't on the Do-Not-Call list are being bombarded by pesky telemarketers to buy vinyl siding, purchase National Geographic and attend a timeshare presentation. These people are becoming perpetually perturbed and are less inclined to listen to telemarketers. So sales are harder to come by and guess what?
CHK CHIK... BLAM! CHK CHIK... BLAM!
Those that speak with an accent that the majority (white people) find offensive are all naturally less productive than those who don't. The telemarketers that are unable to properly speak English--due to a lack of education or a speech impediment- can't seem to perform as those that can speak correctly. So, if they sound too black, too Hispanic, too Asian, too eastern European, too [fill in the blank] then they're fired. Oh you have a cleft palate... Go work for the March of Dimes (they aren't limited by the FTC). Oh you never made it beyond fourth grade, well go AXE SUMINILZ FO E JAB.
Now, when I walk through the call center, a much needed IT staff member privileged to free coffee and bagels, I see the frightened look of over caffeinated telemarketers, scared shitless that they'll be the next poor soul on the chopping block. And as the call center become more proportionately white and educated I wonder what other pro-Aryan measures this government will take to further the Nazi agenda.
In 1968 the US Postal Service enacted an opt-out process for receivers of junk mail. This was mainly for preventing the dissemination of pornographic material to those that found it offensive. In 1970 the Supreme court expanded this regulation to apply to all direct mailers. But this means that I will be forced to fill out a form for every junk mail pusher that wastes money on sending me letters stating that I've won a new car or a trip to Cancun. My hand would surely suffer a cramp and that is downright unconstitutional. I demand a Do-Not-Mail list to be created and if I ever see the dentured smile of Ed McMahon I will go ballistic. They can send me the smut, but I don't want to asked by Sally Struthers one more time to help some pathetic child live a healthy life somewhere across the planet for 30¢ a day.
When I drive to work I take the interstate highway, a road created solely by the tax payer's dollar. This medium is as much mine as the telephone line coming into my house, and likewise should be devoid of needless solicitation. I make the motion that all roadsign be omitted from view. There is no reason why the charming face of Jessica Simpson should disrupt the road rage of my morning commute. And why should I be forced to delight in the thin and gorgeous bodies of Victoria Secret models while I'm busy flipping the bird to some disgusting (and likely drunk) truck driver. By removing the road signs we make plenty of carbon monoxide plagued land available for children to play upon anddevelope asthma, allergies and a host of other sinus problems to feed our ever growing health care beast.
I've considered buying TiVo to eliminate those pesky commercials that I am forced to avoid by pressing buttons on my remote. Why should my thumb do the work that the FTC could be doing. Yes, commercials are solicitations and intrude upon the privacy entitled to every couch potato from Bangor Maine to Sacramento California. Instead of forcing vegetables to use their limbs, the FTC should slap a $11,000 fine on that scary red and yellow clown every time he urges me to eat hamburgers, or every time a celebrity tells me to buy something while giving me that come hither look. I want none of it!
I also protest the shameless advertisement of products and services so prevalentt in the mainstream art world. I'm sick of Thomas Kinkade promoting the electric companies by "painting with light." Enough already, we all know you're a spokesman for General Electric. And Andy Worhol's children should be slapped with the same $11,000 fine for every person that has ever stared at his Campbell's Soup Can painting and looked in their pockets for a can opener.
America deserves a Do-Not-Market list that encompasses every media channel available in the pseudo-free market. We need to limit those liberal marketers from invading our peace of mind no matter how small it may be. We pure Americans don't deserve to have our eyes punished with beautiful images nor our ears with pleasant hello's. And when the marketing world is brought to its knees and my children's minds aren't polluted with ideas of "buying things" then I'll have more money to buy things like timeshares, vinyl siding and national geographic. I could donate money to the March of Dimes, buy my wife some Victoria secret lingerie, take that trip to Cancun, pick up some campbell's soup and light bulbs, eat some McDonald's, buy a Jessica Simpson album and some pornography. Without a doubt, I'd be a regular consumer if it weren't for all that damn marketing... Unfortunately, without it I wouldn't know what to buy and where to buy it.
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