Gullibalooza!
The bar for America's gullibility has just been lowered another notch. Last week the public learned that the Oprah endorsed autobiographer, James Frey, is not the pill popping, needle pushing, reefer toking, coke sniffing, alcoholic that he so proclaimed in his memoir entitled "A Million Little Pieces." How could this be? What has the world come to when we can't even trust a drug addict to really be a drug addict? But the biggest question in the mind of so many Americans is: Does reality hold as much credit as Oprah? That question can only be answered by the talk show magnate herself.
Why is it that so many people abandon their own druthers and submit completely to the will of Oprah Winfrey, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Moore, George Bush and Charles Manson? Is free thought that odious that people choose to dispose of it as though it was junk mail? I refuse to accept that the average American has had their brain replaced with primitive, single-chambered sponges. No, I believe that the gullibility of Americans is part of a more sinister, global plot to overthrow the American dream and the pursuit of happiness.
After much consideration (all of two minutes) I have discovered the origin of this conspiracy. It dates back 2010 years beginning in a rural shack inhabited by a pedophilic carpenter from a land of scarce lumber, and a small, barely pubescent pregnant teen. An evening in early January, the two welcomed into the world the single greatest threat to the American dream. Joined by three Persian merchants and hallucinating sheep herders, they set in motion a chain of events that served to compromise everything America holds dear.
I know what you're thinking, America wasn't around back then, how can a conspiracy begin without a subject to conspire against? The central figure behind this conspiracy was supposed to possess supernatural faculties that were independent of both time and space. He very well could have foreseen this great nation and it's dream and acted in advance to topple them both. Surely you ask, why didn't he just prevent the inception of this dream and nation instead of after the fact? Answer: he works in mysterious ways.
This conspirator was stealthy and tactical. He waited thirty-five years, flying under the radar, and then with the force of a juggernaut, he pounced on the American dream like a lion on a quivering slave-girl in a Roman colosseum. Within the span of two years he managed to lay the ground work that would guarantee the topple of the greatest empires the world would ever see. By spreading his message of gullibility he created a sea of sponges, dry in the tongue and wet behind the ears. He set himself as the authority figure of a realm to which no one is absent. "Believe in me and your reward will be greater than the entire world." He appealed to the very nature that drives the American dream, Greed; and there is no need to ever fulfill the obligation for before the reward is due, the person must make a one-way trip to oblivion, never to return to express a grievance. These subscribers to the sponge ethic, initially lined up in caves, offering up as sacrifice to the legacy of the conspirator their very minds.
The gullibility production industry grew at a pace not seen again until the Dot Com Boom or Methamphetamine plague. The industry expanded their factories from the god forsaken desert to the Turkish towns of Colosse and Galatia, then on to the Greek metropoli of Salonia, Philippi, Ephesus and Corinth, and finally the final destination and location of their current headquarters Rome.
From Rome the gullibility industry found a place to set their anchor in history. They set up franchised sponge factories throughout Europe, Asia Minor and northern Africa. Soon every element of society was held in check by the gullibility anchor. People of prestige and talent fought and struggled to continue the delivery from the mighty Roman drip into their sponges. Even when the factory managers squabbled over the moistness of the sponges and who would administer the drip the expansion never ceased. The sponge ethic had never reached such a height.
Then, on a cloudy Wednesday in October of 1492, a syphillatically demented, uneducated Italian sailor, financed by the asexual monarchs of Spanish Aragon and Castille, set his unwashed foot upon the sand of an obscure Bahaman Island. There his deranged senses confused maze, chili peppers and turkey for human forearms, fingers and buttocks and he accused the natives of cannibalism sentencing them and all those of their mainland cousins to eternity of plague, alcoholism and compulsive gambling. His severe ruling cleared the way for the mass exodus of European sponges and the expansion of the sponge factories.
Now the sponges were separated from the mighty drip by the great expanse of water infested by sea serpents and underwater monsters. To prevent the need of abandoning the sponge ethic, they became reliant upon local sponges.
In 1692 Salem, when a promiscuous cackle of adolescent devil worshipers tripping on acid were confronted over their ritualistic chanting and nude forest dancing. These young girls turned the tables on the town sponges by making accusations that there were witches residing amongst them. Instead of the townsfolk recognizing that the witches were in fact the young girls, they took these Satanic girls at their word and jailed 80 people for suspected witchcraft and their possessions confiscated. The gullibility grew as more people believed these sinister little girls who accused pregnant woman of having the devil growing within them, rich men of making Faustian deals with Beelzebub, Frenchwoman for speaking in accents of the devil, a deaf mute for not being able to respond to accusations, and a revered of siding with the devil instead of the devil worshiping nymphs.
The gullibalooza spread throughout 17th century Massachusetts, sending 25 people to death by means of fire, rope or the mounting of hundreds of stones upon the condemned. Sane people all over new England escaped to the safety of New York. Mills, crops and cattle were abandoned to wither or wander the countryside, contributing to the overall look and feel of the hellish decor to accompany the smell of burning human flesh. This sponge-fest reached its height after a year, when the presiding governor and judge, Sir William Phips, abandoned the witch trials after his own wife was accused of witchcraft. This episode in sponge history was not without its lesson for it set the precedent of people being innocent until proven guilty.
That lesson, however didn't take long to forget and in the many years following the witch trials, soldiers repeatedly massacred hundred of native Americans without proof of guilt. During the Civil war thousands of southern towns were ransacked regardless if they owned slaves or were sympathetic with the southern secessionists. During the labor movements at the turn of the 19th to 20th century, hundreds of unionized workers were killed by police without trial or due process. Dead, dry sponges lined the streets of America as the moist consolidated their moisture.
The lesson was once again learned after a drunken Republican Senator from Wisconsin, named Joseph McCarthy, fueled a sponge hysteria during the early 1950's known as the Red Scare. The senator built his doctrine of fear on hearsay, conjecture and pure imagination. His tribute to the Salem witch trials drew the attention of the main stream sponges when he and other fear mongerers accused many of Hollywood's royalty of communist sympathizing and had them blacklisted or deported. Actors, animators, authors, and composers were now all the subject of treason trials. Families were divided between the paranoid and the compassionate. This alcoholic cheesehead had set sponge against sponge.
In January of 1953, the future husband of an American sex symbol that encapsulated the American dream, wrote an allegory that related McCarthy's Red Scare to the events that occurred in Salem 261 years prior. Suddenly, and without hesitation, the sound of millions of sponges slapping their foreheads and the following splash of fluid could be heard around the country. They began to remember that lesson, that complete reliance upon another person's point of view was a folly that often led to tragedy.
It was as if a wake up call had been given to all sponges. During the next couple decades, there were mass wringing out of the old fluid and a replacement with one's own. Change actually occurred and progress was made. The quality of life increased and a brighter future was seen where sponges would one day be replaced with brains.
The American dream began to take form, freedom, pursuit of happiness, access and happiness seemed possible for all. No longer would each depend upon drips for sustenence of the body, soul and will. There would be a mass awakening where no drip would be needed.
Unfortunately the transition from sponge to brain proved too daunting. Sponges couldn't decide what to fill themselves with until a brain took form. Mighty drips once again came to the forefront of society to provide a steady pouring of fluid to sponges everywhere. Drips foreboding the end of times and promoting fear, other minor drips echoing the prophesies and once again the sponge ethic came into full swing. Millions of people began to trust a drip over their own experiences.
Even the young sponges that were once likely to seek their own fluids are being force fed by the drips. The perpetual programming spewing from every orifice of the media monster is serving to manufacture armies of obedient little sponges that buy what they're told to buy, eat what they're told to eat, speak what their told to speak, dance how their told to dance and think what they're told to think. This monster is guided by the reigns of the drips and is driving the rest of America towards that intention of the original conspirator. It promises eternal reward, with no fulfillment, but instead of a posthumous reward they place it on a carrot that hangs from the end of a stick, just longer than the arms can reach, that is stapled to the head of each sponge. These sponges go sloshing ever-forward toward the images of celebrities, giant SUVs, 15000 square foot estates, diamonds and mammon. And if, for some spiteful reason, the sponge veers their sights off target, they are greeted with the threats and horror provided by disciples of the conspirator that aims to distill every impurity from the sponges.
So, when every sponge is obedient the true gullibalooza will begin and will continue for one thousand years. Sponges will vegetate in harmony. Every doubt would be distilled, every question will remain unpostulated, absolute trust and faith will be at the discretion of the drips. The moisture levels of the sponges would be a constant, change would be a memory, then a myth, then a hoax and then as non-existent as the mind.
The followers of Oprah, Bill O'Reilley, Michael Moore, George Bush and Charles Manson would no longer have any distinctions. Unity will be achieved for the sponges and the drips will replace the carrots and they will all go sloshing about towards their beloved void of oblivion. Reality will be dictated by the drips, and the sponges wouldn't even question why experience doesn't match up, for they will be sufficiently trained to ignore all experience that doesn't originate from the drips themselves. So when the next Oprah endorses a deceptive profiteering publicity hound, or a Bill O'Reilley manufactures a war between the Christian Right and secularists, or a Michael Moore paints a picture of misunderstood massacring dictator, or a Manson proclaims a pregnant woman to be the minion of Satan or even when a Bush accuses a third world nation of possessing atomic weapons, the sponges will all nod their moistened heads in agreement and slosh to the rhythm of unquestioned credence and faith.
Why is it that so many people abandon their own druthers and submit completely to the will of Oprah Winfrey, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Moore, George Bush and Charles Manson? Is free thought that odious that people choose to dispose of it as though it was junk mail? I refuse to accept that the average American has had their brain replaced with primitive, single-chambered sponges. No, I believe that the gullibility of Americans is part of a more sinister, global plot to overthrow the American dream and the pursuit of happiness.
After much consideration (all of two minutes) I have discovered the origin of this conspiracy. It dates back 2010 years beginning in a rural shack inhabited by a pedophilic carpenter from a land of scarce lumber, and a small, barely pubescent pregnant teen. An evening in early January, the two welcomed into the world the single greatest threat to the American dream. Joined by three Persian merchants and hallucinating sheep herders, they set in motion a chain of events that served to compromise everything America holds dear.
I know what you're thinking, America wasn't around back then, how can a conspiracy begin without a subject to conspire against? The central figure behind this conspiracy was supposed to possess supernatural faculties that were independent of both time and space. He very well could have foreseen this great nation and it's dream and acted in advance to topple them both. Surely you ask, why didn't he just prevent the inception of this dream and nation instead of after the fact? Answer: he works in mysterious ways.
This conspirator was stealthy and tactical. He waited thirty-five years, flying under the radar, and then with the force of a juggernaut, he pounced on the American dream like a lion on a quivering slave-girl in a Roman colosseum. Within the span of two years he managed to lay the ground work that would guarantee the topple of the greatest empires the world would ever see. By spreading his message of gullibility he created a sea of sponges, dry in the tongue and wet behind the ears. He set himself as the authority figure of a realm to which no one is absent. "Believe in me and your reward will be greater than the entire world." He appealed to the very nature that drives the American dream, Greed; and there is no need to ever fulfill the obligation for before the reward is due, the person must make a one-way trip to oblivion, never to return to express a grievance. These subscribers to the sponge ethic, initially lined up in caves, offering up as sacrifice to the legacy of the conspirator their very minds.
The gullibility production industry grew at a pace not seen again until the Dot Com Boom or Methamphetamine plague. The industry expanded their factories from the god forsaken desert to the Turkish towns of Colosse and Galatia, then on to the Greek metropoli of Salonia, Philippi, Ephesus and Corinth, and finally the final destination and location of their current headquarters Rome.
From Rome the gullibility industry found a place to set their anchor in history. They set up franchised sponge factories throughout Europe, Asia Minor and northern Africa. Soon every element of society was held in check by the gullibility anchor. People of prestige and talent fought and struggled to continue the delivery from the mighty Roman drip into their sponges. Even when the factory managers squabbled over the moistness of the sponges and who would administer the drip the expansion never ceased. The sponge ethic had never reached such a height.
Then, on a cloudy Wednesday in October of 1492, a syphillatically demented, uneducated Italian sailor, financed by the asexual monarchs of Spanish Aragon and Castille, set his unwashed foot upon the sand of an obscure Bahaman Island. There his deranged senses confused maze, chili peppers and turkey for human forearms, fingers and buttocks and he accused the natives of cannibalism sentencing them and all those of their mainland cousins to eternity of plague, alcoholism and compulsive gambling. His severe ruling cleared the way for the mass exodus of European sponges and the expansion of the sponge factories.
Now the sponges were separated from the mighty drip by the great expanse of water infested by sea serpents and underwater monsters. To prevent the need of abandoning the sponge ethic, they became reliant upon local sponges.
In 1692 Salem, when a promiscuous cackle of adolescent devil worshipers tripping on acid were confronted over their ritualistic chanting and nude forest dancing. These young girls turned the tables on the town sponges by making accusations that there were witches residing amongst them. Instead of the townsfolk recognizing that the witches were in fact the young girls, they took these Satanic girls at their word and jailed 80 people for suspected witchcraft and their possessions confiscated. The gullibility grew as more people believed these sinister little girls who accused pregnant woman of having the devil growing within them, rich men of making Faustian deals with Beelzebub, Frenchwoman for speaking in accents of the devil, a deaf mute for not being able to respond to accusations, and a revered of siding with the devil instead of the devil worshiping nymphs.
The gullibalooza spread throughout 17th century Massachusetts, sending 25 people to death by means of fire, rope or the mounting of hundreds of stones upon the condemned. Sane people all over new England escaped to the safety of New York. Mills, crops and cattle were abandoned to wither or wander the countryside, contributing to the overall look and feel of the hellish decor to accompany the smell of burning human flesh. This sponge-fest reached its height after a year, when the presiding governor and judge, Sir William Phips, abandoned the witch trials after his own wife was accused of witchcraft. This episode in sponge history was not without its lesson for it set the precedent of people being innocent until proven guilty.
That lesson, however didn't take long to forget and in the many years following the witch trials, soldiers repeatedly massacred hundred of native Americans without proof of guilt. During the Civil war thousands of southern towns were ransacked regardless if they owned slaves or were sympathetic with the southern secessionists. During the labor movements at the turn of the 19th to 20th century, hundreds of unionized workers were killed by police without trial or due process. Dead, dry sponges lined the streets of America as the moist consolidated their moisture.
The lesson was once again learned after a drunken Republican Senator from Wisconsin, named Joseph McCarthy, fueled a sponge hysteria during the early 1950's known as the Red Scare. The senator built his doctrine of fear on hearsay, conjecture and pure imagination. His tribute to the Salem witch trials drew the attention of the main stream sponges when he and other fear mongerers accused many of Hollywood's royalty of communist sympathizing and had them blacklisted or deported. Actors, animators, authors, and composers were now all the subject of treason trials. Families were divided between the paranoid and the compassionate. This alcoholic cheesehead had set sponge against sponge.
In January of 1953, the future husband of an American sex symbol that encapsulated the American dream, wrote an allegory that related McCarthy's Red Scare to the events that occurred in Salem 261 years prior. Suddenly, and without hesitation, the sound of millions of sponges slapping their foreheads and the following splash of fluid could be heard around the country. They began to remember that lesson, that complete reliance upon another person's point of view was a folly that often led to tragedy.
It was as if a wake up call had been given to all sponges. During the next couple decades, there were mass wringing out of the old fluid and a replacement with one's own. Change actually occurred and progress was made. The quality of life increased and a brighter future was seen where sponges would one day be replaced with brains.
The American dream began to take form, freedom, pursuit of happiness, access and happiness seemed possible for all. No longer would each depend upon drips for sustenence of the body, soul and will. There would be a mass awakening where no drip would be needed.
Unfortunately the transition from sponge to brain proved too daunting. Sponges couldn't decide what to fill themselves with until a brain took form. Mighty drips once again came to the forefront of society to provide a steady pouring of fluid to sponges everywhere. Drips foreboding the end of times and promoting fear, other minor drips echoing the prophesies and once again the sponge ethic came into full swing. Millions of people began to trust a drip over their own experiences.
Even the young sponges that were once likely to seek their own fluids are being force fed by the drips. The perpetual programming spewing from every orifice of the media monster is serving to manufacture armies of obedient little sponges that buy what they're told to buy, eat what they're told to eat, speak what their told to speak, dance how their told to dance and think what they're told to think. This monster is guided by the reigns of the drips and is driving the rest of America towards that intention of the original conspirator. It promises eternal reward, with no fulfillment, but instead of a posthumous reward they place it on a carrot that hangs from the end of a stick, just longer than the arms can reach, that is stapled to the head of each sponge. These sponges go sloshing ever-forward toward the images of celebrities, giant SUVs, 15000 square foot estates, diamonds and mammon. And if, for some spiteful reason, the sponge veers their sights off target, they are greeted with the threats and horror provided by disciples of the conspirator that aims to distill every impurity from the sponges.
So, when every sponge is obedient the true gullibalooza will begin and will continue for one thousand years. Sponges will vegetate in harmony. Every doubt would be distilled, every question will remain unpostulated, absolute trust and faith will be at the discretion of the drips. The moisture levels of the sponges would be a constant, change would be a memory, then a myth, then a hoax and then as non-existent as the mind.
The followers of Oprah, Bill O'Reilley, Michael Moore, George Bush and Charles Manson would no longer have any distinctions. Unity will be achieved for the sponges and the drips will replace the carrots and they will all go sloshing about towards their beloved void of oblivion. Reality will be dictated by the drips, and the sponges wouldn't even question why experience doesn't match up, for they will be sufficiently trained to ignore all experience that doesn't originate from the drips themselves. So when the next Oprah endorses a deceptive profiteering publicity hound, or a Bill O'Reilley manufactures a war between the Christian Right and secularists, or a Michael Moore paints a picture of misunderstood massacring dictator, or a Manson proclaims a pregnant woman to be the minion of Satan or even when a Bush accuses a third world nation of possessing atomic weapons, the sponges will all nod their moistened heads in agreement and slosh to the rhythm of unquestioned credence and faith.
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