The Hunter in the Rye...
This Sunday my worst suspicions were confirmed: Dick Cheney is a human hunter! He reportedly shot a man in the face, neck and chest on a ranch not far from the Texas-Mexico border, about 60 miles southwest of Corpus Christi. The weapon was a 28 gauge shotgun. The victim was a 78 year old attorney from Austin Texas by the name of Harry Whittington.
Cheney obviously lacks the confidence of a seasoned human hunter. He didn't abduct a team of high school wrestlers, infect them with rabies, shoot them up with PCP and send them running off into the Texas wilderness foaming at the mouth in a chemically induced fury. Instead he opted for an enfeebled old man, slow on his feet with a partiality to the Republican party. Harry Whittington, described as a "major Republican Party donor," probably would've laid down his life for the pleasure of Cheney in the manner that the members of the SS commit suicide at the behest of the fuehrer during the final days of the third Reich.
Unlike a true sportsman, Cheney's choice of game bares a likeliness to the pickings of non-Alpha lions or hyenas. He chose the easiest kill - the lame prey. Although the victim had accumulated millions his failing sight and arthritic hands would leave him vulnerable to even the most pathetic of human hunters. Even more embarrassing to the vice president than his target was that he couldn't slay the prey.
The vice president's media spokesman declared the attack an accident, saying that Dick was aiming at a flock of quail and inadvertently shot the millionaire attorney, who was supposedly retrieving a bird he shot moments earlier. If Whittington had made a kill, the shot of his gun would've frightened the surrounding quail into flight. While hunters typically aiming toward flying quail angle their weapon skyward from the shoulder, somehow Dick managed to aim toward the horizon, pulled the trigger and shot Harry standing behind the tall rye grass in his flamboyant neon orange hunting outfit.
The man survived and is predicted to recover completely from the attack. He is being treated at Christus Spohn Hospital and has refrained from commenting on the hunting "accident" out of respect for the vice president. Whether the motive of his silence was to save Cheney's face before other human hunting, right-wing, NRA gun enthusiasts or to drawl out the media coverage to deflect national attention from the brewing impeachment of the vice president, we'll never know.
Cheney's exposure as a human hunter couldn't have occurred at a better time. Scooter Libby, Cheney's former chief of staff, pointed the finger at Dick as the decision maker to expose covert CIA agent Valerie Plame and therefore committing an act treason against the United States. The redirection of media coverage may provide the public distraction enough to pardon the vice president of his high crime committed in order to send America into a pointless war costing tens of thousands of lives.
Mary Matalin, the top advisor to the vice president, stated in regards to the "accident" that Dick "didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do." This leads me to the conclusion that Harry Whittington was a human sacrifice. But unlike the Aztec priests that would slice out the still beating heart of the victim, Dick was more compassionate and merely shot the man in the face from 20 yards away.
There is a common saying that once an animal gets the taste of blood, they crave it and continually seek it out. I predict, that if this is Dick Cheney's first human victim, he will certainly strike again. His friendly fire may soon find a target near the reddened nose of Edward Kennedy, the elongated chin of John Kerry or the crotch of Bill Clinton. By shooting another human being Cheney has officially founded the militant wing of the Republican party (if you don't already count the Michigan Militia, Montana Freemen, the Guardians of Liberty, Nevada's Patriots Underground or the thousands of armed vigilantes prowling the Mexican border with the hopes of mounting a human head above their mantels and beside their framed photographs of George W or Ronny Reagan).
Cheney obviously lacks the confidence of a seasoned human hunter. He didn't abduct a team of high school wrestlers, infect them with rabies, shoot them up with PCP and send them running off into the Texas wilderness foaming at the mouth in a chemically induced fury. Instead he opted for an enfeebled old man, slow on his feet with a partiality to the Republican party. Harry Whittington, described as a "major Republican Party donor," probably would've laid down his life for the pleasure of Cheney in the manner that the members of the SS commit suicide at the behest of the fuehrer during the final days of the third Reich.
Unlike a true sportsman, Cheney's choice of game bares a likeliness to the pickings of non-Alpha lions or hyenas. He chose the easiest kill - the lame prey. Although the victim had accumulated millions his failing sight and arthritic hands would leave him vulnerable to even the most pathetic of human hunters. Even more embarrassing to the vice president than his target was that he couldn't slay the prey.
The vice president's media spokesman declared the attack an accident, saying that Dick was aiming at a flock of quail and inadvertently shot the millionaire attorney, who was supposedly retrieving a bird he shot moments earlier. If Whittington had made a kill, the shot of his gun would've frightened the surrounding quail into flight. While hunters typically aiming toward flying quail angle their weapon skyward from the shoulder, somehow Dick managed to aim toward the horizon, pulled the trigger and shot Harry standing behind the tall rye grass in his flamboyant neon orange hunting outfit.
The man survived and is predicted to recover completely from the attack. He is being treated at Christus Spohn Hospital and has refrained from commenting on the hunting "accident" out of respect for the vice president. Whether the motive of his silence was to save Cheney's face before other human hunting, right-wing, NRA gun enthusiasts or to drawl out the media coverage to deflect national attention from the brewing impeachment of the vice president, we'll never know.
Cheney's exposure as a human hunter couldn't have occurred at a better time. Scooter Libby, Cheney's former chief of staff, pointed the finger at Dick as the decision maker to expose covert CIA agent Valerie Plame and therefore committing an act treason against the United States. The redirection of media coverage may provide the public distraction enough to pardon the vice president of his high crime committed in order to send America into a pointless war costing tens of thousands of lives.
Mary Matalin, the top advisor to the vice president, stated in regards to the "accident" that Dick "didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do." This leads me to the conclusion that Harry Whittington was a human sacrifice. But unlike the Aztec priests that would slice out the still beating heart of the victim, Dick was more compassionate and merely shot the man in the face from 20 yards away.
There is a common saying that once an animal gets the taste of blood, they crave it and continually seek it out. I predict, that if this is Dick Cheney's first human victim, he will certainly strike again. His friendly fire may soon find a target near the reddened nose of Edward Kennedy, the elongated chin of John Kerry or the crotch of Bill Clinton. By shooting another human being Cheney has officially founded the militant wing of the Republican party (if you don't already count the Michigan Militia, Montana Freemen, the Guardians of Liberty, Nevada's Patriots Underground or the thousands of armed vigilantes prowling the Mexican border with the hopes of mounting a human head above their mantels and beside their framed photographs of George W or Ronny Reagan).
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